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COMMENTARY · 1st April 2010
DANNY NUNES
In the wake of an initiative to attract retirees to live in Kitimat, the overwhelming and positive response garnered so far has led to a very ambitious but pricey investment that those in the community believe will pay off in the long run and make Kitimat the ultimate retirement destination for aging baby boomers.

The district of Kitimat has paid author Michael Crichton the sum of $250 millions dollars US for the rights to the name “Jurassic Park” and plan to rename the community Jurassic Park in an effort to attract an aging demographic to the community with the most honest and truthful marketing campaign in recorded history.

When asked how the district would find the money to pay for this expenditure, a representative for the district said local taxes would be raised by 99.9%.

This same representative also claimed that those in the community will not mind the tax increase because everyone in the community owned 3 cars, 3 atv's, a yacht, several servants, and a solid gold toilet.

The former snowflake sign that welcomed people to the community has now been replaced with the Jurassic Park logo.

When asked how this will affect the youth in the community who wish to remain in the community and raise a family, a district official who wished to remain anonymous said that if you are too young to qualify for the Denny's Senior Meal then you are not welcome in Jurassic Park.

This same official also gave us a new campaign poster with the simple slogan: “GET OUT!” featuring a cartoon senior citizen pointing at children.